Warning, long personal post approaching!
I haven't been taking care of myself. I spend what little motivation I have left to go to work and do my courses because I know I'm done for without them. I need to go to the doctor. I have to visit the dentist. I've had to for months. I oversleep dramatically when I don't have to wake up with an alarm. Little things like that have been gradually snowballing these past few months. When I'm left to my own thoughts, and aren't around those who make me happy, I don't neccessarily feel sad. Just blank, or empty. I've had depression before and this is eerily like how it used to be.
Many of us suffer from depression. That's not really why I'm writing this, because moreso I feel the cause of this emptyness is far more specific.
I've always tried to give off a sense of dependability. Someone who my friends can talk to. A shoulder to cry on. Someone who will be unfailingly by your side. I've never stopped caring, partially out of a sense of duty and commitment, but more dangerously out of a sense of paranoia. A paranoia that I'll be seen as selfish if I stop caring, or seem like I don't care. That if I don't fully involve myself in the troubles of the ones I love, well, what kind of friend am I?
This has begun to take a dangerous turn, for I am now empty. Lately many of my friends have been though very rough patches this year, whereas I myself have had very few comparable troubles. They still have troubles, but my compassion and empathy is waning. I haven't given myself any opportunities to take a step back and let myself recover. I've willingly refused to let myself ''refill'', in a sense, and now it's left me like this.
I don't know what to do about it. My desire to care is still strong, but the ability to is gone. Like I said, empty inside. The paranoia is still there. I now have a fear that my consolations will be somehow disengenuous now that there's nothing left.
I know my friends will understand. I know they will say 'You need to have time for yourself!', but I don't know how to. I realize I'm not correct in my thinking, but it feels that I must block their problems out in order to let myself get better. That's the last thing I want to do, though. In my own
twisted perspective, it would mean that I'm not a good friend.
My flawed understanding of friendship has left me in a hole I'm not sure how to dig myself out of. I guess I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with something like this. If they've figured out a way to deal with it, it would mean so much if they shared it.
EDIT:To give you some understanding of how severe the whole paranoia thing is, I'm now worried that if my friends whom have come to me with their problems before see this, then they'll start to worry over the possibility that they may have caused how I'm feeling right now. No. Incorrect. I did this to myself. No one ever has specifically had anything to do with this.