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About Digital Art / Hobbyist Premium Member MichelleFemale/Canada Recent Activity
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deviation in storage by klar

Warning, long personal post approaching!

It's very rare that I'll make a post so personal these days, but at this point I feel I need to. I'm not neccessarily looking for a solution. I'm not even sure there is one, but I do wonder if anyone else out there feels precisely how I do. Possibly.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I spend what little motivation I have left to go to work and do my courses because I know I'm done for without them. I need to go to the doctor. I have to visit the dentist. I've had to for months. I oversleep dramatically when I don't have to wake up with an alarm. Little things like that have been gradually snowballing these past few months. When I'm left to my own thoughts, and aren't around those who make me happy, I don't neccessarily feel sad. Just blank, or empty. I've had depression before and this is eerily like how it used to be.

Many of us suffer from depression. That's not really why I'm writing this, because moreso I feel the cause of this emptyness is far more specific.

I've always tried to give off a sense of dependability. Someone who my friends can talk to. A shoulder to cry on. Someone who will be unfailingly by your side. I've never stopped caring, partially out of a sense of duty and commitment, but more dangerously out of a sense of paranoia. A paranoia that I'll be seen as selfish if I stop caring, or seem like I don't care. That if I don't fully involve myself in the troubles of the ones I love, well, what kind of friend am I?

This has begun to take a dangerous turn, for I am now empty. Lately many of my friends have been though very rough patches this year, whereas I myself have had very few comparable troubles. They still have troubles, but my compassion and empathy is waning. I haven't given myself any opportunities to take a step back and let myself recover. I've willingly refused to let myself ''refill'', in a sense, and now it's left me like this.

I don't know what to do about it. My desire to care is still strong, but the ability to is gone. Like I said, empty inside. The paranoia is still there. I now have a fear that my consolations will be somehow disengenuous now that there's nothing left.

I know my friends will understand. I know they will say 'You need to have time for yourself!', but I don't know how to. I realize I'm not correct in my thinking, but it feels that I must block their problems out in order to let myself get better. That's the last thing I want to do, though. In my own
twisted perspective, it would mean that I'm not a good friend.

My flawed understanding of friendship has left me in a hole I'm not sure how to dig myself out of. I guess I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with something like this. If they've figured out a way to deal with it, it would mean so much if they shared it.

EDIT:To give you some understanding of how severe the whole paranoia thing is, I'm now worried that if my friends whom have come to me with their problems before see this, then they'll start to worry over the possibility that they may have caused how I'm feeling right now. No. Incorrect. I did this to myself. No one ever has specifically had anything to do with this.

deviantID

abercrunchie
Michelle
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
Canada
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Studio Ghibli Fan by SharkfoldKatamari Damacy :: Prince by makeitstampyStamp - Drifloon by EvadollWoody Stamp by themonsterwithnonameAutumn Stamp by PhysicalMagicCarl Sagan by kyphoscoliosisShadow of the Colossus Stamp by owdofCeiling Creeper Stamp by HybridAirFlapjack's a Leader by GrimRose13OC's Are My Babies by Foxxie-Chan:thumb239889658:Elves Stamp I by lindowyn-stockWheatrey-kun Stampu by D00pliss385Zelda Royal Crest Stamp by Hyrule-LegendsStamp - Lazy by DragoN-FX:thumb200748430:Pixar - stamp by hiena004i love my DS stamp by RRRAI

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23 deviants said Fwap

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:iconariellamay:
AriellaMay Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2014  Student Filmographer
Thanks so much for the watch!! :heart:
Reply
:iconmightyeaglet:
MightyEaglet Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the fave!
:iconstonedspikeplz::iconsaysplz:What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
:icondrugaddictspikeplz::iconsaysplz:Mein arsch.
Reply
:icontheexpansiongenie:
TheExpansionGenie Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Happy birthday~!
Reply
:icondrawtoonzstudio:
DrawtoonzStudio Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014
Happy birthday! :iconballoonplz: :iconbirthdaycakeplz:
Reply
:iconbubble5kunk:
Bubble5kunk Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2014
Adorable art!
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:iconnycterisa:
NycterisA Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:wave:
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:iconmega-man-king:
Mega-Man-King Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello. ^^
Reply
:iconrupertbluefox:
RupertBlueFox Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hello there, Abercrunchie.
This is Rupert the fox! =3

I must say, you draw some really great squishy arts!
Reminds me of balloons! :nod:

Hope to see more from ya soon.
Reply
:iconnycterisa:
NycterisA Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:wave:
Reply
:icongato303co:
gato303co Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Hello there Abercrunchie, just to let you know I did this balloon art fav.me/d6f7ci5 of your balloon bunny fursona, hope you like it
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